help me please
I'm stuck

in the silence
of my own head voices
distilled down to nothing
nothing but the breaks of
thoughts torn into splinters
myriads of splinters that
fail to spark a single
flame I'm so cold
hold me from afar
but don't touch me
don't get near me

be near me
talk to me from over there
there where I can see
see and hear you
but not feel you
unless I can hide
under your jacket in
the dark recesses of
your body heat where
the dark hides your
contours hides your
limbs hides your
eyes that will see
through my fears

from within my fears
and show me how
little I really am
how small I am
under the heavy
dark weight of a
universe that does
not know my name
my life my cares my
fears because my
fears are just so
many little particles
with no name and no
weight in a universe

that deals with distances
I cannot fathom
I cannot bear to
contemplate unless
the dark will make
my bones feel more
contained more real
than the stares that
go right through me
like a cold wind that
has no use for small
trifles flittering around
outside caught trapped
like electrons or like
moths in a candle flame
moving in endless circles
but getting nowhere that
isn’t delineated and allowed
in meager lives that seek
the freedom of containment
then bemoan limitations
limitations set

set not by an imaginary friend
friend of wide pockets
and deep bank accounts
that can grant the next
lottery winner or choose
one lucky speck to win
big so everyone else
hopes that the next
speck will be them
because they are so much
so much more important
more special than
any other speck

that has ever found an open flame
and wondered if smoking
skin smells as bad as every
one says it does because
the only scar that matters
is the one cutting through
skin that feels tight and
warm but not as warm
as your jacket that is
lined with your smells
smells and past touch
but remember keep your
arms out away from your
body so I can pull the
concept of you around me
without the fear of getting
touched or noticed in
the small confine of my
personal den of comfort

comfort from knowing
you know I’m here it
is enough to know you
are there in concept
rather than the weight
of reality that defies
concepts and makes
me take notice that
when people look at
me they really see me
and that is more weight
than I can handle so
leave me to my weightless
dark that is warm and
close but not too close

close so I’m weightless
help me be weightless

stop it just stop it stop it
please I don’t care I don’t
need to care I don’t want
to care I’m not paid to care
I’m paid to stand here
smile laugh nod murmur
wave but I’m not paid to
care I’m not your confidant
your friend your therapy
your need your want I’m
nobody so STOP YELLING
your existence with soppy eyes
dripping in saccharin sweetness
coy sugary wants muddying
my clothes as you splatter your
cravings in coos and whimpers
and pleadings bleatings that work
on a four legged animal led to
the slaughter but not on a four
limbed human capable of
stopping lips with crystalized
sweetness crystalized sharpness
of barbed retorts that are meant to
wear me down shred me
down into a pulp you can
mash between your drumming fingers
caked in the impatience of too much
sugar gone to your brain and
caking with participate into your
drama that I didn’t ask for and
am not paid for not paid to be
your closest ally as you
go out of your way to better
yourself at other’s expense expense
that you are not willing to pay for
but want handed to you free
of any retaliation any remorse
any feedback that no one and
no thing is buying your
twinkling eyes as your
elbow comes out and tries to
mate with my ribs as another
set of floating bones that only
want to take away my nutrients
as you run dry on sugar and are
in desperate need of protein
meat to put in your fodder so
you can run amok again selling
your needs like wares that
someone we are all supposed
to want and need and desire but
please just stop go away leave
me alone I’m not paid to care
I’m only paid to keep my mouth
closed and smile if only you
would do the same

just stop it for crying out
loud I get it but really cut
it out stop okay I get it

please do those six little
letters really mean all that
much to you that you sit
up and take notice or are
you a Pavlovian dog wired
not out of mercy but from
training to stop what you
are doing and change tactics
change your course to one
that has a tad bit more
humanity tinged with your
word or your acts so
that you stop acting like
a dog or an animal and
more like a human which
is just a different animal
but one supposed to be
graced with morality and
kindness and tender words
to soothe please

please it really is funny that
a cool wet dog or cat’s
nose can be kinder more
gentle more soothing than
your Pavlovian response
but its all I have to ask for
because I cannot collar you
or take you out for a walk
on a leash or rub your stomach
in public so please

please and thank you
the underlying thread that
gets you to notice me as
the human you deem me
to be which is above the cats
and dogs that walk at your feet
so maybe I will just go back
under your warm jacket and
hide in your heat that responds
to my body even without words
or programmed responses but
that simple act of my existence
that adds no weight to your
needs for me to act or be
a specific way to be deemed
worthy of your kindness so

please let me slip inside your
shadow and just fade back
into you not noticing I’m here
and if you trip on me as I weave
in and out between your feet I
will whisper please so that you
go back to just adding warmth
and nothing more


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